5 guys talk about their relationship with their body.
What does it feel like to be short, fat, skinny, or disabled in 2020? What is it like to have a body considered less than ideal by the advertising, film, and magazine industries? While the body-positive movement is progressively freeing women from the shackles of beauty standards, in particular via social media, the shift towards body acceptance has been much slower for men. The ideal man cliché is still going strong. The five guys we talked to are acutely aware of this. In an attempt to deconstruct this manliness model, they agreed to explain how they live with their body, their insecurities, and their idea of beauty.
The five men
Olivier, 20 years old, a business management student from the Paris area.
Stevie, 27 years old, also known as @bopo.boy on Instagram. A British body-positive and LGBTQIA+ activist with 17 k followers.
Axel, 20 years old, a graphic design student from Bordeaux.
Romain, 34 years old, works for the French fire department. Following an accident, Romain was left a quadriplegic. He uses Instagram (as @roro_le_costaud) to discuss and present his day-to-day life as a disabled person.
Karim, also known as Karimood on social media, 22 years old, a fashion design student from Marseille.
On not having a ‘standard’ body
Stevie : My body is the total opposite of those shown in magazines and on the TV: it’s soft, plump, and covered in scars from the numerous operations I’ve undergone throughout my life.
Karim : Ever since my childhood, I’ve been rather skinny. I usually weigh between 50 and 53 kg. I have a fast metabolism: whatever I eat, I know I’ll not put any weight on.
Axel : I’m short. I measure 1.61 m (5’3”). Most of my family is on the small side too, and I was bound to follow suit. At the age of 11, my growth spurt had already slowed down to 1 cm per year.
Romain : I had an accident in January 2012 while skiing in Haute-Savoie. I broke my cervical vertebrae, injured my spinal cord, and was left a quadriplegic.
Olivier : I stand at 1.93 m (6’3”), so I’m taller than your average. I had a growth spurt when I was pretty young, I was already 1.81 m (5’9”) in high school.
On insecurities and acceptance
Axel : My height makes me stand out. I like uncommon people, so I think this height suits me well. Generally, it helps people remember me. Sometimes though, being shorter than everyone else makes me feel isolated as if I were living alone in the world.
Romain : Following my accident, I lost 10 kg in muscle mass due to inactivity while in the hospital. I was quite the athlete before that, I loved my body, my pecs, my abs, etc. So, when it all started melting off my body I was horrified because I really liked being fit. When I first started using a wheelchair, it was something I was very attached to, I’d work out a lot. Not only did it help mentally, but it also helped maintain whatever muscle mass I had left. Slowly but surely, I realised that looks weren’t that important, and exercising was more about improving my mental and physical wellbeing.
Olivier : When you’re tall, the only real issue, if you can call it an issue, is getting on the tube without bumping your head into everything… On the other hand, once you’re on the tube, being tall is quite the advantage: at least when it's packed you’re not stuck in the crowd like shorter people.
Karim : I feel insecure when I see myself in the mirror, when I have to wear shorts in summer, or whenever I get dressed. I often get my clothes from the women’s section, jeans in particular. It feels like sizes 42-44 are considered enough to cover the needs of all men. There’s actually a wide range of body sizes and shapes, and some men need trousers in 34-36. It also affects my love life, as I’ve had some comments on my weight. It sometimes feels like you have to be super fit for people to like you.
Stevie : I don’t believe our relationship with our body ever really changes. Some days you might feel good about yourself, and others you might hate yourself. What really counts is understanding that we are much more than just our body.
Romain: I quickly understood that I didn’t have a choice. These were the cards I had been dealt, and I had to live with it. On the other hand, seeing my body change… that was much harder to accept. It took some time, and social media helped too. In the beginning, I’d only show my torso, I didn’t want to show or see my wheelchair. Slowly but surely, I started moving the camera back. My understanding and appreciation of beauty changed with my body. I believe beauty is a whole. As such, I don’t find myself as handsome without my wheelchair, now. My wheelchair is part of my daily life, it replaces my legs, it’s a part of me. Take it away from me and there’s nothing left.
On the pains of adolescence
Axel: My height was quite an issue when I was younger, in particular due to the other teenagers and their incessant need to prove how alpha they were. I even took growth hormones when I was 13-14, which helped me gain an extra couple of centimetres. Things are different now. People are more mature once you leave college, they don’t constantly have something to prove.
Karim: I was bullied throughout high school because I was too skinny. I believed drinking olive oil would help me gain weight, and I ended up nearly choking on a teaspoon of it. I tried high-calory diets numerous times and had to eat several meals a day until I couldn’t take it anymore… More recently, I tried fenugreek dietary supplements, which are supposed to increase appetite and increase weight gain, to no avail.
Olivier: As a kid, I hated how tall I was. I always said I wanted to be shorter. When you’re thin, being very tall makes you look even skinnier. For example, I joined a new class in high school, and I was by far the tallest. Back then, I felt isolated, completely out of the loop.
Stevie: I spent most of my life fighting against my body. I started dieting when I was 10, and I’ve since tried every form of diet, dietary supplements, and weight loss plans you can imagine. And once my body had changed, and I’d lost a considerable amount of weight, I still wasn’t happy, I was still convinced my body wasn’t good enough. All I had was a whole new set of insecurities, such as stretch marks and excess skin.
On society’s beauty standards and expectations
Romain: A few years back, I would never have imagined sharing the pictures I post on Instagram these days, I would never have accepted to show my body, my belly… Gone are the abs and pecs, my arms are skinny because some muscles I simply can’t work out. But I’ve learned to disregard my insecurities and tell myself: ‘It really isn’t that important, simply show everyone that you don’t care’. That’s precisely when you realise nobody else cares either.
Karim: I often get comments along the lines of ‘Do you even eat? Look at how skinny you are! Are you sure you’re alright?’ That’s the thing with skinny people, it’s completely fine to make fun of us and to comment on our weight. People have absolutely no filter when they talk to us because society considers that being underweight is far better than being overweight. We’ve all accepted that fat-shaming is bad, skinny-shaming is okay, though.
Axel: While I’m mostly comfortable in my skin, I struggle with getting turned down by women because of my height. There’s this silly notion that women should have boyfriends that are taller than them, as a result, their first criteria when looking for the ideal partner is how tall he is. Movies, TV shows and ads have spread the idea that a real man should be strong and protective, i.e., tall. This is something I’ve felt numerous times with women. On dating apps, I feel compelled to state my height in my bio. And even when they’re aware of my height, it’s led to several dates amounting to nothing.
Karim: I sometimes get angry because I feel like I’m weaker than other men. People think I don’t know how to stand up for myself, that I’m not as strong, that I’m not as worthy... It might sound strange, but it sometimes feels like I’m not as much as a man as other non-skinny guys.
Olivier: The height difference subsided over time. I’m still taller than everyone, but it’s not as noticeable, it’s never really an issue. For example, I’m at university now, and I’ve never had any negative remarks, quite the opposite in all honesty. It’s actually quite useful, in particular for certain sports such as basketball and racket sports. I did some boxing, and the extra reach was really helpful to hit without getting hit.
Stevie: Men are always seen as being ‘strong’ and ‘tough’, and admitting that you’re insecure and uncomfortable in your skin is considered emasculating. However, we are increasingly aware of the importance of self-image and mental health, and we’re beginning to have honest discussions on these topics. Men are opening up more, and find it easier to talk about their relationship with their body.
On showing your body on social media
Romain: In my opinion, being on social media is super important, as there are people out there who could end up being in the same situation as me at any given moment. Many of them are suffering from their situation, have trouble accepting it or even considering all the things they’re capable of achieving. Sharing and showing my life is a great way to change the way society views disability. Being in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you’re not happy in your skin. If we manage to change people’s preconceived ideas on disability, they might stop staring at us so much, and things will feel more normal for everyone. Using a wheelchair is no different to wearing glasses.
Stevie: On Instagram, my feed was chock-full of male models who were all displaying society’s definition of a ‘perfect’ body. I’d scroll down and see all these men who would make me feel bad about my body and pushed me further down a spiral of self-hate and dieting. Then, one day, a picture of a curvy woman showed up in the ‘Explorer’ section. She was sitting at the beach, wearing a bikini, with her fat folds fully exposed, and she looked like the happiest person I’d ever seen. That’s when I realised I’d wasted so much of my life trying to become someone else, trying to lose weight, and trying to change my body to be happy.
Romain: I recently started a YouTube channel on the more practical aspect of life with a wheelchair. After my accident, YouTube was my main resource to see how others were managing with their wheelchairs, to find tips on how to get into your car, etc. So, I’m trying to do the same thing for the people who one day might end up in the same situation as me: I share tips and tricks, little things that can make your life easier and help you cope.
Stevie: I started following a bunch of body-positive accounts, and read all the books I could find on the topic. I noticed that it wasn’t an area in which men were very vocal, and it fell like a role I could take on. It only took a few weeks after my first picture for my account to go viral. I get an incredible amount of positive feedback. Every morning my inbox is full of messages from strangers thanking me for this safe space where they can talk about their relationship with their body.
On their current relationship with their body
Olivier: I felt really good about myself when I used to work out, I was much more comfortable in my skin. I stopped working out about a year ago, but I really need to start exercising again.
Axel: Sports, and more specifically working out, have helped me increase the confidence I have in myself and my body, and more generally fully accept myself. It enabled me to develop a real warrior mindset and to build a body that is fitter and more toned than the average, which is a real asset and helps balance out my height. That’s particularly true when it comes to dating, as we unfortunately still focus on looks and physical appearance far too much.
Karim: Sometimes I’m proud of my body, because I’m different, and there’s beauty in everything. I have friends who find my body beautiful, and that’s reassuring, it helps me accept myself the way I am. But sometimes I hate my body, I look at my arms and legs and it feels like I have the body of a 16-year old. There are two sides to it, but when I scroll through Instagram and see inspiring artists such as French singer Yseult, I can’t help but admire how beautiful we are whatever our shape and size.
Romain: Being disabled isn’t awesome, and saying the opposite would be a lie. You’re regularly faced with a wide variety of problems, and I sometimes have days when I’m feeling down, as does everyone. However, my disability has also enabled me to grow in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Some disability-related challenges will always bother me, but if you take those away, I’m very happy with who I am and the way I live.
Stevie: My body is authentic. I’ve stopped trying to change in order to look like the poster boy for manliness. Instead, I proudly give the finger to the patriarchy by living happily as I am. We all have different and unique bodies, and that’s what makes this world beautiful.